Steven Wright Quotes

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

In Ms Yuka's class he once wrote a poem about it called:

'Listen'
The last lines were -

I know you know you do it,
it doesn't matter to you at all
you just want to keep on
talking
a verbal waterfall

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Is it possible to be totally partial?