Steven Wright Quotes

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.

"The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!

It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I went into a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.