Steven Wright Quotes

I tried to hang myself with bungie cords. I kept almost dying.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Harold thought how weird and strange it must be to be a girl. He was glad he wasn’t one because he didn’t think he would be able to do that. Or he wouldn’t want to do that. It’s probably good that you are what you are and that’s it. You don’t get to be both then choose after testing them out. This was in the 1960s not like many many years later when it would become like going through a sexual identity salad bar.

Wright, Steven. Harold (pp. 21-22). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.

[unenthusiastically at the beginning of every show in response to audience applause] "Thanks."

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

If heat rises, heaven must be hotter than hell.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.