Steven Wright Quotes

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I'm a peripheral visionary.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.