Jarod Kintz Quotes

I’m at the top of my game. And that game is Monopoly. I’m standing on the board right now.

Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.

I’m asking you not to do it. Can you do that for me? Can you do not doing it?

Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.

I walk like I have tornadoes for legs. Let us make love like Kansas.

I should open up a dry cleaners/pizza parlor. Extra Stain Sauce will be free, but removing it out of your clothes will cost you.

A follow-up letter is best when not written on the back of a suicide note. Remember this next time you’re at a networking event, unless your new connection is a mortician.

Glue holds stuff together pretty well. But why not try using guitar music as an adhesive? After all, it’s held many bands together.

An emerging emergency is merging with a sense of apathy in this country, and out of this will come total destruction.

I feel like I’m late for love. I’ll be 30 in March. Damn it! I knew I should have set my alarm clock.

The love of my life has made me the happiest man ever. This ever-smiling man/mannequin is so happy because he’s got no brain, and in this way is identical to anyone who still rah-rahs for either a Republican or a Democrat.

I made myself an “I Love Jennifer” jacket out of my old “I Love Jenn” jacket. Two girls, one continuous love. The I Love Jennifer is a little off-center, but then so am I. Better than being self-centered, as my clone would probably say.

I love the sunrise, but not as much as I love you. Will you pass me my midnight-black blindfold?

My new employer made me get a drug test, so I ripped off my shirt, flexed my muscles, and said, “You suspect me of taking steroids, don’t you?

I want to make pants out of tuna fish, to accompany my cottage cheese thighs.