Top 15 Jarod Kintz Quotes

American absurdist humor author

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Jarod Kintz is an American author of absurdist humor, known for self-published collections of surreal one-liners and random thoughts. His prolific, often meta-titled works include "This Book is Not for Sale," "99 Cents for Some Nonsense," and "This Book Title is Invisible," published largely through Amazon Kindle. Widely quoted online for his deadpan, nonsensical voice, he describes himself as a writer, absurdist, and duck farmer based in the American South.

I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.

I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.

One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.

I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?

I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I’m growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.

I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.

If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.

With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.

She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to.

You know what I like most about people? Pets.

It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.

Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.