Steven Wright Quotes

"It became a routine for Harold that whenever Ms. Yuka said: "May I have your attention."
Under his breath he would say:
"Get your own attention.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.

Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises... gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I donated my body to science...fiction.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

"The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.