Steven Wright Quotes

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

How young can you die of old age?

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.

because everything doesn’t have to make sense. Just look at the world and your life.

Harold was fascinated about how babies were made. Not the actual sex act.
Meaning how easy and simple it was and how any two jerks could do it.
He saw people who had made children and he knew they couldn't change the battery in a car or build a fence or would take 40 minutes to untangle a set of Christmas lights.
He knew it was easier to make a baby than it was to make a cake.

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

always remember your unique, just like everone else

What is another name for a Thesaurus?

i busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.