Steven Wright Quotes

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Steven had a great line. They were askin' us "What's it like as a comedian in front of 80,000 people?" And Steven said "If you're swimming in the ocean, it doesn't matter how deep the water is. All you can do is swim."

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Harold thought how weird and strange it must be to be a girl. He was glad he wasn’t one because he didn’t think he would be able to do that. Or he wouldn’t want to do that. It’s probably good that you are what you are and that’s it. You don’t get to be both then choose after testing them out. This was in the 1960s not like many many years later when it would become like going through a sexual identity salad bar.

Wright, Steven. Harold (pp. 21-22). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven... They're right.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

I had amnesia once or twice.