Steven Wright Quotes

How young can you die of old age?

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

When i have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.