Steven Wright Quotes

Harold was fascinated about how babies were made. Not the actual sex act.
Meaning how easy and simple it was and how any two jerks could do it.
He saw people who had made children and he knew they couldn't change the battery in a car or build a fence or would take 40 minutes to untangle a set of Christmas lights.
He knew it was easier to make a baby than it was to make a cake.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

"I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?

I had amnesia once or twice.

"It became a routine for Harold that whenever Ms. Yuka said: "May I have your attention."
Under his breath he would say:
"Get your own attention.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

I just lost a buttonhole.

I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.