429 Quotes Tagged: humour

I always thought eating was a ridiculous activity anyway. I'd get out of it myself if I could, though you've got to do it to stay alive, they tell me.

Насчет астрологии: акушерка или санитарка в родильном доме, весящая от пятидесяти до ста килограммов, оказывает на ребенка в момент его рождения более заметное гравитационное воздействие, чем любая из тех далеких планет, которые якобы влияют на личность и судьбу новорожденного. Почему эти близкие и массивные объекты не фигурируют в столь тщательно рассчитываемых астрологических таблицах?

The habits of liberals, their automatic language, their knee-jerk responses to certain issues, deserved the epithets the right wing stuck them with. I'd see how true they often were. Here they were, banding together in packs, so I could predict what they were going to say about some event or conflict and it wasn't even out of their mouths yet. I was very uncomfortable with that. Liberal orthodoxy was as repugnant to me as conservative orthodoxy.

Nothing can be more notorious than the calumnies and invectives with which the wisest measures and most virtuous characters of The United States have been pursued and traduced [By American Newspapers]

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it

It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

When I hear somebody talk about a horse or cow being stupid; I figure it's a sure sign that the animal has somehow outfoxed them

Arguing whether or not God exists is like fleas arguing whether or not the dog exists. Arguing over the correct name of God is like fleas arguing over the name of the dog. And arguing over whose notion of God is correct is like fleas arguing over who owns the dog.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

It was not long after that Ganesh saw a big new notice in the shop, painted on cardboard.
‘Is Leela self who write that,’ Ramlogan said. ‘I didn’t ask she to write it, mind you. She just sit down quiet quiet one morning after tea and write it off.’
It read:

NOTICE
NOTICE, IS. HEREBY; PROVIDED: THAT, SEATS!
ARE, PROVIDED. FOR; FEMALE: SHOP, ASSISTANTS!

Ganesh said, ‘Leela know a lot of punctuation marks.’
That is it, sahib. All day the girl just sitting down and talking about these puncturation marks. She is like that, sahib.

I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.