Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Nothing goes right. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one I don’t make it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

f a group of guys are hanging around and one guy is doing coke, he’ll say, ‘Take a hit. You’ll feel like a new man.’ He’s right; the problem is that once you feel like a new man, that new man wants a hit so he can feel like a new man. And that goes on and on until the coke runs out, and you’re broke.

She was a wild girl. I took her to a bar. She gave the mechanical bull her phone number.

I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.

I tell ya, my wife is never nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.

"Когато бях отвлечен като дете моите похитители изпратиха писмо на родителите ми "Платете 5000 долара или ви го връщаме

Last week, I went to a discount massage parlor — it was self-service.

I asked my wife, “Last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.

Why, that's the story of my life--no respect; I mean, I don't get no respect at all!

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."