Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I asked my wife, “Last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

If the odds are 50/50, I don't stand a chance!

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.

I tell ya one thing about me. I say “No” to drugs. When people ask me for some of my drugs, I say “No.

With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

I told my dentist my teeth were all getting yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

The day my wife and I got married — that was a beauty. I gave her the ring and she gave me the finger.