Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I asked my wife, “Last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

The killers are wanted in all 50 states.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I tell ya, my wife is never nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.

"Когато бях отвлечен като дете моите похитители изпратиха писмо на родителите ми "Платете 5000 долара или ви го връщаме

I told my doctor, “I think my wife has VD.” He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

My doctor’s a very strange man. I said to him, “Doc, what’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?” He told me, “The taste.

There goes the neighborhood.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.