Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

My doctor’s a very strange man. I said to him, “Doc, what’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?” He told me, “The taste.

I told my dentist my teeth were all getting yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

The other night, I had a date with a manicurist. We went to a nightclub. We started to hold hands. And while she was holding my hand, she took my other hand and put it in my drink.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

The toughest club I worked was owned by a guy named Nunzio. Man, he was tough. One day he said to me, “Kid, you wanna go hunting?” I said, “Okay, I’m game.” And he shot me.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children’s zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.