Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

American stand-up comedian (1921–2004)

Jack Roy (born Jacob Rodney Cohen; November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004), popularly known by the stage name Rodney Dangerfield, was an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, screenwriter, musician and author. He was known for his self-deprecating one-liner humor, his catchphrase "I don't get no respect!" and his monologues on that theme.

From: Wikiquote (CC BY-SA 4.0)

Birth Name: Jacob Cohen

Alternative Names: Jacob Rodney Cohen • Jack Roy

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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

f a group of guys are hanging around and one guy is doing coke, he’ll say, ‘Take a hit. You’ll feel like a new man.’ He’s right; the problem is that once you feel like a new man, that new man wants a hit so he can feel like a new man. And that goes on and on until the coke runs out, and you’re broke.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

She was a wild girl. I took her to a bar. She gave the mechanical bull her phone number.

I told my doctor, “I think my wife has VD.” He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

The killers are wanted in all 50 states.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

I tell ya, my wife’s a lousy cook. After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them.

If the odds are 50/50, I don't stand a chance!

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I tell ya one thing about me. I say “No” to drugs. When people ask me for some of my drugs, I say “No.

I tell ya one thing, my wife keeps me in line. No matter how many guys are ahead of me.