Emo Philips Quotes

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

How many people here tonight are telekinetic? Raise my hand.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would … and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.