Emo Philips Quotes

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do judge him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind...

My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.