Emo Philips Quotes

American comedian

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Emo Philips (born Philip Soltanec 7 February 1956) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, voice actor, writer and producer. He is known for his eccentric appearance, surreal humor, and the bizarre cadence of his voice in the delivery of his lines.

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Birth Name: Philip Soltanec

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Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference."

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

How many people here tonight are telekinetic? Raise my hand.

When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.