Top 15 Emo Philips Quotes

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do judge him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Some mornings it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps.

How many people here tonight are telekinetic? Raise my hand.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would … and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.