I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that. - Emo Philips

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference."