I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse." - Emo Philips

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference."