Emo Philips Quotes

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Some mornings it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps.

I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind...

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would … and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.