Emo Philips Quotes

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was... conscious. … But I love her from the hair on her head to the tag on her toes.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..

My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."