Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, 'no.

I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I tell ya, my wife’s a lousy cook. After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them.

I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

A belly button is good for only one thing: when you’re lying in bed eating celery, it’s a place to put the salt.

I tell ya, my wife is never nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.

The killers are wanted in all 50 states.

With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.