Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, 'no.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

I tell ya, my wife’s a lousy cook. After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

The day my wife and I got married — that was a beauty. I gave her the ring and she gave me the finger.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children’s zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

I told my doctor, “I think my wife has VD.” He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

There goes the neighborhood.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back