Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

American stand-up comedian (1921–2004)

Jack Roy (born Jacob Rodney Cohen; November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004), popularly known by the stage name Rodney Dangerfield, was an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, screenwriter, musician and author. He was known for his self-deprecating one-liner humor, his catchphrase "I don't get no respect!" and his monologues on that theme.

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Birth Name: Jacob Cohen

Alternative Names: Jacob Rodney Cohen • Jack Roy

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Why, that's the story of my life--no respect; I mean, I don't get no respect at all!

The day my wife and I got married — that was a beauty. I gave her the ring and she gave me the finger.

I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

I told my psychiatrist, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

If the odds are 50/50, I don't stand a chance!

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

I mean, I’m not a kid anymore. I could go tomorrow. And I hope I go tomorrow. I haven’t gone today yet.

In my life I’ve been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

The other night, I had a date with a manicurist. We went to a nightclub. We started to hold hands. And while she was holding my hand, she took my other hand and put it in my drink.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.