Steven Wright Quotes

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark

Is it possible to be totally partial?

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.