I told my wife, I said, "You get there at 5:30 you can fly with me but let me tell you something Sugar Tits, at 5:31 I am wheels up and I am fucking … - Ron White

I was flying from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe. We flew on a plane that big. Like a pack of gum with eight people in it. [imitates sound of a tiny airplane]. What happened was we took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. We're traveling at half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us, and the pilot was screaming, "Go around!". We get halfway to Phoenix and we gotta go back. It's a 9-minute flight...can't pull it off with this equipment. We had engine trouble. We lost some oil pressure and they take told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid because they coulda just went [looks backward] "Hey, we lost some oil pressure." [gives a thumbs-up] "Heard ya! Sure did." It was weird. Everybody on the plane was nervous, but I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like, "Take it down, I don't give a shit." You ever have one of those days? "Hit somethin' hard, I don't wanna limp away from this piece of shit." The guy sitting next to me is losing his mind. Apparently, he had a lot to live for. He goes "Hey man! [gasps for air] Hey, man! Hey, man! [gasps for air] If one of these engines fails, [gasps for air] how far will the other one take us?" [As himself]"All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy, 'cause that's where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hour! We're haulin' ass!"

You ever see tape of the Kehoe brothers from Ohio, those two guys that get out of that white Suburban, it's been on Cops a few times? Those guys, folks, have a shootout with the police, at point...blank...range—nobody gets hurt. I would love to have been at that office the next day when that guy's being interviewed by the police. "And then what happened?" "Well, at that point, I unloaded my semi-automatic 9 millimeter weapon at point blank range." "And then what happened?" "They...left." Nice shooting, Elmer Fudd. There was a kid in Detroit a few years ago, shot 8 bullets, hit 9 people. These cops fired 22 shots, didn't even hit the fuckin' Suburban!

I told him, "We're all gay. It's just to what extent are you gay." He says, "That's bullshit, man, I ain't gay at all!" I'm like, "Yeah, you are and I'll prove it." He goes, "Fine, prove it." I'm like, "All right, do you like porn?" He says, "Yeah, I love porn, you know that." I'm, "Oh, o you only watch two women together?" He goes, "No, I'll watch a man and a woman making love." I said, "Oh, do you like the guy to have a tiny, half-flaccid penis?" He said, "No, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause, applause) ...I did not know that about myself."