What did Trish's mother say when her daughter, heartbroken over her breakup with Randy, came to her in search of love and understanding? 'If you're l… - David Sedaris

If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

True art was based upon despair, and the important thing was to make yourself and those around you as miserable as possible.

What looks good now is guaranteed to embarrass you twenty years down the line, which is, of course, the whole problem with fashion.

States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don’t want to get married, it tends to hurt my feelings. I guess what bugs me is that it was put to a vote in the first place. If you don’t want to marry a homosexual, then don’t. But what gives you the right to weigh in on your neighbor’s options? It’s like voting on whether or not redheads should be allowed to celebrate Christmas.