I was more fucked-up than Courtney Love at the Pamela Anderson roast! - Ron White

Let me tell you what I'm looking for in a fuckin' tree. I'm looking for a tree that you can tell is alive even if you don't know shit about trees.

We went out last and I got so drunk last night, I woke up this morning and somebody had shit my pants. [audience cheers] I don't know who it was...but I know he eats corn...and cake. Corn cakes, I think that's what he was eating.

I have an airplane that you guys...bought me. I like it a lot. Half of the Fortune 500 companies in America have let go of their private jets. Not Ron White Inc., I'm flying that son-of-a-bitch straight into bankruptcy! I guarantee you, one day, I'll be livin' in a double-wide trailer with shag carpet, and I'll have a jet with weeds growin' through it. I'll be in the front seat goin', "Push me around some!" And I don't come from money. I come from the opposite of money. I come from...no money. 10 years ago, I lived in a camper in my friend's backyard. He didn't even know I was there. (7:12)