The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a p… - Dane Cook

So I'm hanging out with all my buddies and um... I realized something. Think of the group of people you've known the longest in your life. Think of the group of friends that you've hung out with the most. Maybe you are all here tonight. And this is what I've realized. I had an epiphany and here it is right here. There's one person in every group of friends that nobody fucking likes. You basically keep them there to hate their guts. When that person is not around your little base camp, your hobby is cutting that person down. Example: Karen is always a douchebag. Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche. And when she's not around you just look at each other go: "God Karen, she's such a douchebag. Until she walks up and then you're like: "Hey what's up Karen? Kaaaaren, what's up Karen?" There's always that one person and I'm looking out and some of you guys are like: "Hmmm, I disagree." Well you're the person...you're the person nobody likes."

I hope when he dies, he does become a tree. I hope he's in the middle of the wilderness and he's doing his tree thing. Whatever it is trees do. I know they do a lot of work with breezes. And wouldn't it be fantastic if while he was out there just enjoying his treeness, through the woods, a huge sweaty guy with an ax comes long? Sees him...[tree-chopping motions]. Chops him down, smash! Put a chain around him, drag him through the mud and the muck, throw him into a sawmill and grind him up. [Nuzzsaw noise] Then you pound him down into paper, and once he's paper, you print the Bible on him.

Honey, honey. Why don't you put the fucking DVDs in order? So I can find Uncle Buck the second I wanna watch it? This shit's all scrambled up because you're a fucking retard. Why don't you put these in order? In order! Now fight me for three days, because I'm bored!