Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse? Sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not reall… - Bill Burr

Women are just constantly patting themselves on the back about how difficult their lives are and no one corrects 'em cause they wanna fuck 'em.

I get sick of people making excuses for her. She blew it. Look, you lost to a guy who said three things a week that would torpedo anybody else's campaign. How do you do that? That's like you're playing a football game and the other team throws twenty interceptions, and you still figure out how to blow it. At what point do you take responsibility? ... You blew it. You. Blew it. You put the wrong team around you, you didn't generate enough excitement to beat this guy who (was just) tripping over one coffee table after another...

(on whether motherhood is the world's most difficult job) Dude, any job that you can do in your pajamas is not a difficult job, alright? You're 35 years old playing hide and go seek... you're living the dream! No time card, no taxes... you're off the fucking grid!