Bill Burr Quotes

I am so pro-swine flu it's ridiculous. We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you're gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won't let her do it.

That's what killed me, when Bruce became Caitlin, that was like, a national news story, like at a ridiculous level. There's like, baby seals washing up on the beach cause there's no fish left, and they're talking to this... lady, you know, like, "So Bruce, can your Olympic back handle a D cup or you gonna go with something a little more perky?"... I miss that guy. I miss him already. He should've told us. He should've given us a chance to say goodbye. I watched him on the Olympics. I watched him on Chips. I watched him on that horrible show my wife watched where he just walks around in the background... And then you couldn't react, you couldn't on any level, you couldn't (be like) "What the f(uck)?" on any level. You couldn't say that or you were automatically homophobic. Like, dude, I didn't hear your inner thoughts. I didn't know what you were doing... You shave your beard off, people are like "Oh my God, that's your chin? Wow!" This guy walked out a dude, came back a woman, and you're just supposed to be like, "Oh yeah, so anyways, Caitlin, (as I was saying)..."

(on whether motherhood is the world's most difficult job) I did roofing in the middle of July as a redhead. I thought that THAT was difficult. But these mothers are bending over at the waist, putting DVDs into DVD players... I don't know how they do it!

Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

First of all, getting mad at a politician is like getting mad at Jennifer Aniston cause it's bad episode of Friends. They don't write it.

(on whether motherhood is the world's most difficult job) Dude, any job that you can do in your pajamas is not a difficult job, alright? You're 35 years old playing hide and go seek... you're living the dream! No time card, no taxes... you're off the fucking grid!

Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse? Sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.

Rub one out like a man, it's the champagne of victory.

There's a critical point, when you've stayed single too long, that your brain switches from "No, don't say that" to "Eh, fuck it. Say it, see what happens."

Bankers get bonuses... the upper echelon get anywhere from ten million up to a hundred million, and the President of the United States makes like four hundred grand a year. So right there. I've watched enough wrestling to see a rigged game... There's like people with Youtube channels making as much as the leader of the free world. So I just think he's set up to be bribed, and, uh, you act accordingly. So basically anybody who comes at me going, you know, "The conservative right or these liberals..." like, I just zone out. I can't even talk to you if you're actually looking at it like those are two (separate) choices that you're getting. You're not... Once you get past a certain level, it just seems like... you've jumped in the river and you act accordingly or you get that convertible ride in Dallas.

I get sick of people making excuses for her. She blew it. Look, you lost to a guy who said three things a week that would torpedo anybody else's campaign. How do you do that? That's like you're playing a football game and the other team throws twenty interceptions, and you still figure out how to blow it. At what point do you take responsibility? ... You blew it. You. Blew it. You put the wrong team around you, you didn't generate enough excitement to beat this guy who (was just) tripping over one coffee table after another...

Women are just constantly patting themselves on the back about how difficult their lives are and no one corrects 'em cause they wanna fuck 'em.

The amount of people that are struggling out there because of these fucking billionaires, and they got us all arguing liberal and conservative. We gotta stop doing that, like I am so tired of hearing about people going to bed worried about what’s going to happen next week. There is so much fucking money in this country, and there is so much work being done. And if you work a whole fucking week at a job, you should be able to pay your fucking rent. You shouldn’t have to go out and get another fucking job and still be struggling. It’s bad for the country 'cause the kids don’t see their parents and they’re not getting the upbringing they need. These fucking billionaires! They need to be put down, you know? Like fucking rabid dogs They’re rabid with fucking greed, and just going out and just dividing everybody.

Seriously, any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice. – You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!"

I'm not a big fan of Steve Jobs, personally. I dunno, I just don't understand what the big deal was with that guy... I don't get it. (on whether Jobs personally invented the iPhone) But did he? Did he? Did he sit down, "I'm gonna invent the iPhone!" and then he sits there soldering, possibly welding... didn't he have like a crew of guys helping him out? Then why when he went to those nerd fests didn't he have like a chorus of scientists behind him who helped him out, too? He walked out like he was Tesla... I think he just kinda, like, told people what to invent. Like he just kinda came in like, "I want my whole music collection in that phone. GET ON IT." And then all these nameless, faceless guys made it happen and then they have the big nerd concert and he goes out there by himself. No belt, you know, sneakers on... I just didn't buy it.