Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful. - Bill Burr

(on whether motherhood is the world's most difficult job) Dude, any job that you can do in your pajamas is not a difficult job, alright? You're 35 years old playing hide and go seek... you're living the dream! No time card, no taxes... you're off the fucking grid!

Rub one out like a man, it's the champagne of victory.

I get sick of people making excuses for her. She blew it. Look, you lost to a guy who said three things a week that would torpedo anybody else's campaign. How do you do that? That's like you're playing a football game and the other team throws twenty interceptions, and you still figure out how to blow it. At what point do you take responsibility? ... You blew it. You. Blew it. You put the wrong team around you, you didn't generate enough excitement to beat this guy who (was just) tripping over one coffee table after another...