All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: "Dead men don't wear plaid." Hmm... Dead men don't wear… - Steve Martin

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

"Be courteous, kind, and forgiving.
Be gentle and peaceful each day.
Be warm and human and grateful.

Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike, Be witty and happy and wise.
Be honest and love all your neighbors.
Be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant.

Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus.
Be dull and boring and omnipresent.
Criticize things that you don't know about.
Be oblong and have your knees removed.

Be sure to stop at stop signs,
And drive fifty-five miles an hour.
Pick up a hitchhiker foaming at the mouth.
And when you get home get a master's degree in geology.

Be tasteless , rude, and offensive.
Live in a swamp and be three- dimensional.
Put a live chicken in your underwear.
Go into a closet and suck eggs.

"Now, everyone," repeat

Added- Ladies only: Never make love to bigfoot!

Men only: Hello, my name is bigfoot."

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it — The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.