Building a gazebo in the middle of the civil war, that'd be like doing stand-up comedy now. - John Mulaney

It's just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly. They have a lot of information. Anyone who's seen my dick and met my parents needs to die. I can't have them roaming around.

You spend most of your day telling a robot that you're not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don't want to walk into the ocean.

You know those days when you're like, "this might as well happen". Adult life is already so goddamn weird.