I'm gonna try telling you this story. This happened on Tuesday. I'm going home from PetSmart in the car with two dogs and the wife, and the wife says… - Ron White

(About valet parking in Atlanta and parking the car himself) He jumped out of his truck and he gets militant. And he jumps in front of my Range Rover and puts a hand on it, he puts his hands on the hood and he goes "Nobody parks their own car in this parking lot! I park the cars in this parking lot!" Well, I rolled down my window and very politely said, "Get out my fucking way!" [audience cheers] He goes "Nobody talks to me like that! You can't park your car in this parking lot!" And I said "FUCK YOU!". He goes "I'm calling the police. What's your first and last name?" "It's Fuck You. It's F-u-c-k CAPITAL Y-O-U! Fuck you, that's my name." He gets on his radio and calls the Dalai Lama of all parking lot attendants, who calls squealing up in his little red truck. Apparently, they give 'em to 'em. He hopes outta the truck like he's gonna do something. He immediately recognizes me and you see this big "Oh shit!" wash over his face. He literally shoves this kid outta the way and starts apologizing. He said, "Mr. White. I am sorry." I said, "Listen, this kid's not doing his job. He's an insolent little piece of shit. He needs to have his ass reamed." He goes, "Mr. White, he's gonna have his ass reamed by me and my boss and my boss' boss." And I was like, "Well, I had no idea the chain of command went that deep in the parking lot business..."

In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it! That's right. You come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back! That's our policy. They're trying to pass a bill right now through the Texas legislature that will speed up the process of execution in heinous crimes where there's more than 3 credible eyewitnesses. That means that if three or more people saw you do what you did, you don't sit on Death Row for 15 years, Jack! You go straight to the front of the line. Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty. My state's putting in the express lane!

I got my wife breast implants for her birthday. I've never been a big fan of plastic surgery, but I gotta admit, I've had a lot of fun playing with these things. I haven't given them to her yet...[Audience cheers] I just keep 'em on my tour bus and just rub 'em in my face...I'm glad they clean up easy. [Audience groans] WHAT?! I'm just glad they are not made out of corduroy, that's all I'm saying! I'd have to have 'em Scotchgarded. [imitates spraying Scotchgard on implants] I find it a little ironic that the product that I use to keep from ruining my sofa should spill my drink on it is actually called...Scotch-guard. [Audience cheers] Sometimes, things just work out perfect, don't they? "Yeah, I'm looking for a product that'll protect my sofa should I spill my Scotch on it. What'd ya have?" [imitates clerk turning to look at stock] "We've got Scotch-guard." "Yeah, let's go with that. Do you have Vodka-guard? How about Sperm-guard?" It's a busy couch.