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I've been so unhappy for years, so unhappy . . . I don't understand how a human being can be so unhappy all the time and still be alive.

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Even if it's deep unhappiness, it's your unhappiness.

Paul here is unhappy because unhappiness is second nature to him but more particularly because he has not the faintest idea of how to bring about his heart's desire. And I am unhappy because nothing is happening. Four people in four corners, moping, like tramps in Beckett, and myself in the middle, wasting time, being wasted by time.

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I am miserable now — not feeling unhappiness, just lack of life coming to me and coming out of me — resignation to getting nothing and seeking nothing, staying behind shell. The glare of unknown love, human, unhad by me, — the tenderness I never had. I don’t want to be just a nothing, a sick blank, withdrawal into myself forever. I just want something, beside the emptiness I’ve carried around in me all my life.

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