...nor can we know ahead of the fact the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments … - Joan Didion

Let me just be in the ground.
Let me just be in the ground and go to sleep.

Most of our platitudes notwithstanding, self-deception remains the most difficult deception. The tricks that work on others count for nothing in that very well-lit back alley where one keeps assignation with oneself: no winning smiles will do here, no prettily drawn lists of good intentions. One shuffles flashily but in vain through one's marked cards- the kindness done for the wrong reason, the apparent triumph which involved no real effort, the seemingly heroic act into which one had been shamed.

I closed the box and put it in a closet.
There is no real way to deal with everything we lose.