I've been trying to follow the news more this year, I've been trying to be much more involved in the news. You know, I read that this week over two d… - John Mulaney

I'm gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don't even have a joke for that, that's how much I hate that shit.

I was working with these kids ages 8-13, and I thought, oh, I remember being that age, and that is the state I would like to be in. Because they were very kind, they were very thoughtful, and they also knew that they had no control over their lives at all.

My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true. I woke up one morning when I was a kid, and my mom was standing over my bed, and she said: "I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Fayed have been killed in Paris", like I had something to do with it. [...] Luckily, I had a good alibi, since I was in Wisconsin and twelve.