You're unsure and you're not ready,
So that must mean I want you.
You're unavailable and disinterested,
To you I look for comfort.
A million times in a million ways,
I will try to change you.
A million months and a million days,
I'll try to convince you.

My misery has enjoyed company,
And although I have ached, I don't threaten anybody.
Sometimes I feel more bigness than I've shared with you.
Sometimes I wonder why I quell
When I'm not required to.
I've tried to be small,
I've tried to be stunted,
I've tried roadblocks and all
My happy endings prevented.
Sometimes I feel it's all just too big
To be true.
I sabotage myself for fear of what
My bigness could do.

But this won't work as well as the way it once did
Because I want to decide between survival and bliss.
And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am,
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim. These precious illusions in my head
Did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend.

If it weren't for your maturity, none of this would have happened.
If you weren't so wise beyond your years, I would've been able to control myself.
If it weren't for my attention, you wouldn't have been successful and if
If it weren't for me, you would never have amounted to very much. Ooh, this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind, and
Ooh, don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime. We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us.
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this.

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Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Do you have a big intellectual capacity,
But know that it alone does not equate to wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion,
But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine, politically aware, and don't believe in capital punishment? These are 21 things that I want in a lover,
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer.

I remember vividly a day years ago,
We were camping.
You knew more than you thought you should know.
You said I don't want ever to be brainwashed
And you were mind-boggling, you were intense.
You were uncomfortable in your own skin,
You were thirsty.
But mostly, you were beautiful.

How can you just throw words around?
Like grieve and heal and mourn
I feel fine we may not have been born
As awake as you were
It was much harder in those days
We had paper routes uphill both ways
We went from school to a job to a wife
To instant parenthood.

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy. That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good whether with or without you.

How 'bout me not blaming you for everything?
How 'bout me enjoying the moment for once?
How 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you?
How 'bout grieving it all one at a time? Thank you India.
Thank you terror.
Thank you disillusionment.
Thank you frailty.
Thank you consequence.
Thank you, thank you silence.