Art Buchwald Quotes

"And Man created the plastic bag and the tin and aluminum can and the cellophane wrapper and the paper plate, and this was good because Man could then take his automobile and buy all his food in one place and He could save that which was good to eat in the refrigerator and throw away that which had no further use. And soon the earth was covered with plastic bags and aluminum cans and paper plates and disposable bottles and there was nowhere to sit down or walk, and Man shook his head and cried: "Look at this Godawful mess.

No one has ever questioned the credentials of a critic who writes a rave notice.

Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

During my sessions with Dr. Morse, I concluded that somebody had been messing with my head during those early years and they left footprints on my brain. I have spent almost as much time on Seventh-Day Adventists in my analysis as I have on my mother. I am willing to bet that this place was responsible for many of my hang-ups.

I consider dying a very important part of life. I feel good in the sense that since these people are in pain, and most of them don’t have very long to live, I can make their journey easier.

I like champagne—because it always tastes like my foot's asleep.

I’ve found it’s harder for the family of the patient to accept what’s happening. In most cases — not all — the dying person has accepted his fate.

Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.

"This does not mean that when I had a syndicated column and became well known, he wasn't proud of what had been accomplished. He was simply unable to tell me. He told my sisters and he told his customers and he didn't hesitate to let on that we were related. But a wall from childhood separated us and he never could say "Well done."

Someone once told me that it was not unusual in a father-son relationship for the father to find it impossible to praise his son. I responded angrily, 'I don't care if it's usual or unusual, he could have said *something*."

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new...program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.