Art Buchwald Quotes

The irony of our culture is that people are constantly telling other people to go to hell, but no one tells them to go to heaven.

"This does not mean that when I had a syndicated column and became well known, he wasn't proud of what had been accomplished. He was simply unable to tell me. He told my sisters and he told his customers and he didn't hesitate to let on that we were related. But a wall from childhood separated us and he never could say "Well done."

Someone once told me that it was not unusual in a father-son relationship for the father to find it impossible to praise his son. I responded angrily, 'I don't care if it's usual or unusual, he could have said *something*."

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

the best things in life aren't things

"Hunting Down the Secular Humanists" "...What makes them so dangerous is that Secular Humanists look just like you and me. Some of them could be your best friends without you knowing that they are Humanists. They could come into your house, play with your children, eat your food and even watch football with you on television, and you'd never know they have read Catcher in the Rye, Brave New World, and Huckleberry Finn....
No one is safe until Congress sets up an Anti-Secular Humanism Committee to get at the rot. Witnesses have to be called, and they have to name names."

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even." … For me, being funny is the best revenge.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time we have.

"And Man created the plastic bag and the tin and aluminum can and the cellophane wrapper and the paper plate, and this was good because Man could then take his automobile and buy all his food in one place and He could save that which was good to eat in the refrigerator and throw away that which had no further use. And soon the earth was covered with plastic bags and aluminum cans and paper plates and disposable bottles and there was nowhere to sit down or walk, and Man shook his head and cried: "Look at this Godawful mess.

I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies.

Then the question is, are we worried about the wishes of the patient or about the money involved?

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.