Bill Hicks Quotes

Did you know that when a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? And you're trying to tell me that your child is special because one out of 200 million -- that load! we're talking one load! -- connected. Gee, what are the fucking odds? 200 million; you know what that means? I have wiped civilizations off my chest with a gray gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! That is special. And I want you to remember that, you two-egg-carrying beings out there, with that holier-than-thou "we have the gift of life" attitude. I've tossed universes...in my underpants...while napping! Boom! A milky way shoots into my jockey shorts, "Aaaah, what's for fucking breakfast?"

Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let's put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal.

And I’ve got something else to say to those people who say, ‘I’m offended’, like some five-year-old child throwing a tantrum. Ready? There are a lot of things in life that are offensive, life itself can be offensive, I myself have a large list of things that offend me . . . So what!? Grow the fuck up! We now live in the ‘Age of being offended.’ Get over it. Perhaps a little open-mindedness, tolerance, and acceptance may be the antidote to what ails you. Try it and see if your load isn’t lifted just a bit. See if your pinched face of fear doesn’t relax a tad.

But we’ve got to have an enemy. Rock? Drugs? We’re so miserable, what’s the enemy? Got it. Pornography, that’s it. Yeeeeah, tremor through the room. Uh . . . the problem with pornography, basically, is this. No one knows what it is. Other than that, we’ve got a real good grasp on the situation. We know it’s bad, we just can’t figure out what the fuck it is. The Supreme Court says pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts. That’s their definition. No artistic merit. Causes sexual thoughts. Hmmmmm. Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.

"I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say Yeah? When?"

Those guys [in the Persian Gulf War] were in hog heaven, man. They had a weapons catalog, "What's G-12 do, Tommy?" "Says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth, helps pay for the war effort." Well, shit, pull that one up!" "Pull up G-12, please." [sound of a missile launch, several beats, then an explosion]] "...Cool. What's G-13 do?"

I think it's interesting the two drugs that are legal, alcohol and cigarettes, two drugs that do absolutely nothing for you at all, are legal, and the drugs that might open your mind up to realize how badly you're being fucked every day of your life? Those drugs are against the law. He-heh, coincidence? See, I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, 'cause I took 'em one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, Now, if that isn't a hazard to our country... how are we gonna justify arms dealing if we know we're all one?!

Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever.

I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.

You ever look at their faces? "We're pro-life." Don't they look it? Don't they just exude joie de vivre?

(On the effects of Magic Mushrooms): “Your mind completely opens up to the true nature of our existence, which is that we are not bodies, that we are pure, loving spirit created by God. That God is love and there is nothing but love, being all-encompassing, has no opposite. You are completely forgiven on all things, there’s nothing you’ve ever done that has ever swayed God’s pure and un-conditional love for you. And you realize that eternity and peace and heaven is our inheritance, all of us are going to make it there.”

The reason the world’s so fucked up is we’re undergoing evolution. And the reason our institutions, our traditional religions are all crumbling is because they’re no longer relevant

"I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?"

They changed that drunk driving shit. The attitude is just too harsh for me. Way too harsh. You remember ten years ago if you got pulled over the cop came up to your car and said 'son, you been drinking?' Yeah. 'Oh, sorry to bother you. Don't want to bring your buzz down any. Get on outta here and have yourself some fun. Drink one for us. [laughs] We'll be joinin' ya right after duty. Okay bye-bye. Get back in the car Tommy it's just a drunk man behind the wheel of an automobile, that's all.' You remember that? Now you are the murderer. Remember the time when you'd go 'Why don't you go catch murderers?' YOU are the fuckin' murderer. And they're gunna nail ya man. That got that field sobriety test. Guaranteed. They start off slow, I love it. Walk a straight line. Well shit, I've been so drunk I've peed in my own pants, but I could skip a fuckin' straight line. Touch your nose. Dude, I could shoot thorazine into my heart and still find my fuckin' nose. Never understood that one at all (wraps arm around head and touches nose). Are people out there who cannot find their nose? It's right there never will it move I don't care how fuckin' drunk I am. I could have no arms and still find my fuckin' nose (bends over and raises foot up to nose). But then the kicker: say the alphabet backwards. Well shit, ya got me. I'm not drunk but I'm obviously too stupid to be driving god dammit. Somebody can actually do this? What kind of sobriety test is this? They're makin' this shit up as they go. They're havin' fun with ya. You're jumpin' through hoops for these guys. They're going 'Shit do a flip. Come here son and put your dick in our exhaust pipe, do it right now.' Shit I never heard of this one, (mimics taking off pants) but these are officers they know what they're doing. God damn that's hot. Shit how long have they been chasing us? Fuck. Man, they're just havin' fun with ya. This has nothing to do with a sobriety test, you're auditioning for your freedom, you think. They humiliate you for their own amusement then they pop you. So I say fuck it. 'Walk a straight line, touch your nose.' Fuck it I'm drunk. I might puke if I start movin' around a lot. How 'bout this officer how 'bout you carry me to the back of your car, think I'll start my eighteen hour nap right now buddy. You ever seen vomit go through that mesh screen between the front and back seat of their cars? Oh yeah, you're going to rue the day you pulled me over buddy. I've been eating bar olives for three days straight. I don't think it's going to go with your crispy blues. Wouldn't that be great to be too drunk to bust? 'Screw it let 'em go. Boy he did a nice flip though didn't he? Touchin' his nose the whole way around.' Touch your nose. Every fuckin' time. Never will I miss my nose.

"On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.