George Carlin Quotes

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.

"Nothing worse... nothing worse that to be stuck somewhere with some married a-hole and have to listen to him tell you about his f***in' kids... Let me tell ya something, folks... nobody cares about your children, okay?" Nobody cares about your children. I speak for everyone. I've been appointed by the rest of the group to inform you we don't care about your children – that's why they're your children, so you can care about them and we don't have to bother.

There's a reason that education sucks.
And it's the same reason
that it will never ever, ever be fixed.

It's never going to get any better,
don't look for it,
be happy with what you got.

Because the owners of this country don't want that.

I'm talking about the real owners now.
The real owners.
The big, wealthy business interests that control things
and make all the important decisions.

Forget the politicians.
The politicians are put there
to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice.

You don't.

You have no choice.
You have owners.
They own you.
They own everything.

They own all the important land.
They own and control the corporations.
They've long since bought and paid for the Senate,
the Congress, the state houses, and city halls.
They got the judges in their back pocket.
And they own all the big media companies
so they control just about
all of the news and information you get to hear.
They got you by the balls.

They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying,
lobbying to get what they want.
Well, we know what they want.
They want more for themselves and less for everybody else.

But I'll tell you what they don't want.
They don't want a population
of citizens capable of critical thinking.
They don't want well-informed, well-educated people,
capable of critical thinking.

They're not interested in that.
That doesn't help them.
That's against their interest.
That's right.

They don't want people who are smart enough
to figure out how badly they're getting fucked
by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago.
They don't want that.

You know what they want?
They want obedient workers.
Obedient workers.
People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork
and just dumb enough, to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs,
with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits,
the end of overtime, and the vanishing pension
that disappears the minute you go to collect it.

And now, they're coming for

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

Next time you're at a wishing well. Doesn't happen often. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gimme my money back—or I'm shittin' in the well!

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.

Fuck rational thought

[in response to someone in the audience yelling something] Would somebody just put a dick in that guy's mouth, please? 'Cause that's what he wants. He's a cocksucker in disguise. He's got his mouth open 'cause he wants someone to cum in it. Now, do you wanna keep making noise, motherfucker, and we can find you that way, or are you just a punk coward asshole bullshit loud motherfucker and you're gonna shut up now so we don't find out where the fuck you're sitting? 'Cause if you keep it up, we'll grab your ass and throw you on the fucking street, where you belong, with your mother! And I'm fucking her in the asshole every night anyway, so fuck you and your sister and your wife! If you got a kid, I hope your fucking kid dies in a car fire! How do you like that, you stupid cocksucker? Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here! … You know? See … You gotta use psychology. You gotta be a bit of a psychologist up here and know how to appeal to a person.

I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

Everyone smiles in the same language.