Jane Wagner

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

Remember we're all in this alone.

It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

Interviewer: You once said you had a drug problem... Lily: Yeah, I still do. It's so hard to find good grass these days.

Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying — but when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?

For fast acting relief, try slowing down.

I swear people don't want sex so much as they want somebody who'll listen to 'em … the first thing you learn after fellatio is how to listen.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

All my life, I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

Your problem is your role models were models.

If I had known what it would be like to have it all... I might have been willing to settle for less.