John Oliver Quotes

You can't just hear a conspiracy theory, fan the flames, and then walk away! "Is Katy Perry Jonbenet Ramsey?" "Well, identity theft is a real and persistent issue in this day and age, and we really need to look into that!"

It's like catching an ice cream cone out of the air because a child was hit by a car.

In science, you don't just get to cherry-pick the parts that justify what you were going to do anyway! That's religion! You're thinking of religion.

For the record if someone did that to me I'd hitch a ride to the International Space Station straight away; of course who am I kidding, they would never let me in, I've got spiders for hands! The internet is mean!

As far as I can see, this is a system that has enriched multiple companies and that pays and fires teachers with a cattle birthing formula, confuses children with talking pineapples, and has the same kind of rules regarding transparency as Brad Pitt had for Fight Club.

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends; they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.

Please, make sure your college years are the best ones of your life because, thanks to the debt that we are saddling you with, they almost certainly will be.

… we were in a situation where, in the event of us launching a nuclear strike, the President's command would theoretically have gone through a man gambling with fake poker chips, who would've then tried to call a drunk guy wrestling with a Russian George Harrison, who would've then needed to send someone with a bag full of burritos to wake up an officer and tell him to go grab an LP-sized floppy disk and begin the solemn process of ending the world as we know it.

John Oliver: You've stated that you believe there could be an infinite number of parallel universes. Does that mean that there is a universe out there where I am smarter than you?
Stephen Hawking: Yes. And also a universe where you're funny.

Congratulations, Dave, you've just constructed a straw man so large you could burn it in the desert and hold an annoying festival around it.

When your rainy day fund is so big you've got to check it for swimming cartoon ducks, you might not be a not-profit anymore.

The cable companies have figured out the great truth of America: If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring. Apple could put the entire text of "Mein Kampf" inside the iTunes user agreement, and you'd just go, "Uh, agree, agree, agr-- what? Agree, agree."

Lest we forget, when Europe goes far right, they go far, right through Belgium.

Welcome to Last Week Tonight! I am John Oliver and welcome, welcome... welcome to whatever this is.

I’ve made so many people angry that they kind of blur into one unpleasant memory of people staring at you with somewhere between passive aggression and active aggression.