Lewis Black Quotes

When you turned it on, it said its name: "Droid." I keep it here in my pocket. I wish it would say "Groin", then I'd always know where it is. I don't think it's really smart to keep a phone this large and a screen that big right next to your nutsack. I believe my sperm are dying. I hear them weeping every morning. "Son of a bitch, Lou! It's hot as hell down here! Goddammit, it's like the sun is out twenty-four hours a day! Get us some water! I don't think we're gonna make it to the top of the hill again!"

This [Wisconsin] is the only state that I can tell this story in because you're the only people who understand it. Uh, one night I was performing in Milwaukee and I finished my set, and it was late in the evening, and I got a, had a scotch, and two of the waitresses sat down and had a brandy Old-Fashioned, and−and you're the only fuckers who drink that. More brandies get drunk in Wisconsin over Christmas than was drunk during the entire Second World War. I actually had a cab driver who was driving me back one night, and he said, "Son of a bitch, I was in New York City, and they didn't know how to make a brandy Old-Fashioned; I had to jump over the bar!" You people are NUTS! So, I was sitting there, and at that point, they ordered a shot of Jager. 'Cause I guess, you know...[Audience cheers] I love you, you're the only people who applaud Jager. And I'm telling you, something is wrong with that. You don't even know what's in it! Okay? That's wrong! You know how they make Jager? They take all the bar rags in this country, and they wring them into a–that's how they do it. And−and then, even when you lack a response, I can hear half of you going, "So what's wrong with that?"

What did you think I was gonna do, launch into some commercial for this? "Oh yeah, I couldn't be happier. When I got my Droid, it changed my life! Three days later, I accepted Christ into my heart as my one true savior! And Droid is the one with the Jesus app! Even if you get rid of it, every Easter Sunday he comes back again!"

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went "Wow, it's not me!"

Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.

We exhaust ourselves worrying about our health. We're obsessed with it. We worry about our health and when we worry about our health, guess what? We're not fucking healthy! We're so worried about our health that we are now the fattest group of fucks on the planet Earth! "Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!"

I will tell you something I know. Frozen embryos? Guess what?! THEY'RE NOT ALIVE! AT ALL! They're frozen! They're frozen! They're frozen! They're frozen! They're frozen! They are frozen! They're frozen! It's not a question! It's not up for fucking discussion! Don't allow that fucking idiot in the White House to say, "Whoa, no, they're...." THEY'RE NOT ALIVE, ASSHOLE! You can defrost one, like a mini-pizza - IT'S STILL NOT ALIVE! It has the potential for life, that's what it has! But otherwise, it's a mini-pizza! If frozen embryos are alive, we should assign National Guard troops to go to every grocery store and stand in front of the frozen foods, screaming, "Back off! Back off! The clam strips could come back to life!" [pause] Ooooh. I, uhhh, I saw a blue sky in my head for a minute.

The argument we have about abortion is not about abortion. It's about when life begins. And we argue it, and we argue, and we argue! And I say we take all the people who think they know and yell and scream and they're sure when life begins and they're sure when life ends, and we lock them in a room. And we tell them to figure it out. And they don't come out until they do. And if they can't, then we kill them.

In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was TWELVE! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow--together! And I hadn't done drugs.

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.

You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up next Tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it! And then you go to work, and your boss will look up and go "who are you," and you can say..."I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?"

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of your state. How am I, as a comedian, supposed to create a reality that encompasses that?

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

Or... if you actually waited until you were married to lose your virginity, because you are so much a better person than the sniveling snot that we are, you were able to do that, because you were able to wait through everything, through all those feelings, all those hormones, all of that, you could wait, until that night to make love to (for the first time) to the person that you are gonna make love to for the rest of your life, because you are a gambler on a level that I have never fuckin' imagined! My hat is off to you! Wow! What courage!