Carol Burnett Quotes

I made a fool of myself over John Foster Dulles. I made an ass of myself over John Foster Dulles. Something wasn’t right. They weren’t laughing. I pushed on. The first time I saw him ’twas at the UN. I never had been one to swoon over men, But I swooned and the drums started pounding and then … I MADE A FOOL OF MYSELF OVER JOHHHNNN FOSTER DULLES…. Nothing. Nada. They were just sitting there, staring at me. It wasn’t that they were unruly or not interested. It would’ve been better if they had been, but no, they were paying attention, they just weren’t laughing. I felt like I was performing in front of an oil painting. And this was only the opening number. I had twenty minutes to go. My body was heavy with dread.

Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own.

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.

Because nobody goes though life without a scar.

As for the career, sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about being young again and doing it all over. Then I bring myself up short when I realize how incredibly fortunate I was.

The sidewalk was all cracked and wavy, like little hills, and the weeds pushed their way up through the cement. I had to roller-skate there anyway, because they wouldn't let me out of their sight, and they could watch me from the swing on the front porch of the old house. It was hard to skate there, and I kept falling down and getting sores on my knees...Sometimes, when they left me alone in 102 to go to the store, I'd turn on the radio and dance all around the room. I'd get on the furniture and jump from couch to the bed to the chair, leaping and twirling the whole time.

She lit another cigarette and smiled. “And that, kid, is when they added the S to the end of my last name.” I laughed right through the kumquats. I miss her. She died early on the morning of my birthday in 1989, and I got my flowers and the card from her that afternoon.

"When I was little I would always stand in front of a mirror and cross my eyes. Then my mother would come in and say, "Stop that, nothing will ever come of it!

Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.

Cavort, dear, just cavort

I loved it. You gave it more production than that f — — ing Jack Warner!

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?

Oh God. I wiped my eyes with my fingers and looked up at him. He had kind eyes — bleary, but kind. “Hey there, little lady.” He smiled at me nicely. His voice matched his kind eyes. “Yes, sir?” Please, God, don’t let me blubber. “Well, my goodness.” He reeled back, bumping up against the wall, and then pulled himself forward again. “Aren’t you the little lady I just saw this very minute? Downstairs — just now, on the stage?” He had a sweet smile. I was starting to feel a little bit better. I smiled back. “Yes, sir, I am.” There was a pause. “Boy, you stink.” And with that he disappeared into the men’s room.

No one ever said life was fair. Just Eventful.