Let me tell you something: if you live to be a hundred, you'll never be as smart as I am in one finger. - Judy Sheindlin

I mean, did you think I was just a fake person here, that they picked out of, you know, that they picked out of a supermarket? Didn't you think that I had any legal experience at all, sir?

Judy: [yelling at defendant, who is being sued for bleaching plaintiff's clothes and has just cursed at plaintiff in court] LISTEN TO ME!!! Where do you think you are? You think you're on Springer? [audience laughs] You're NOT! You're NOT! You wanna go to a therapist, go someplace else--- Defendant: No, I don't need a therapist. Judy: Listen to me! Defendant: I don't need to see a therapist... [continues trying to talk over Judy] Judy: Only one person is going to have--only one... judgment for the plaintiff in the amount of $5000! Your counterclaim is dismissed! Defendant: Excuse me? No! What about my computer? But what about my computer? But what about my computer? Judy: [getting up to walk off the set] That's all. Your counterclaim is dismissed. Defendant: ...and you just gonna walk away like that? That don't even make no sense! What about my computer, I don't get no chance to say nothin'... Judy: [over defendant's continued protests] I told you - I told you: it's my playpen, I have the word. Goodbye, go someplace else!

If you tell the truth, you don't have to have a good memory. If you lie, you're always tripping over your own tie. ("If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" - Mark Twain)