Happiness is having a loving, close knit family in another city. - George Burns

I've had worried parents come up to me and ask me for advice. They'll say "I don't know what to do. My teenage son won't cut his hair, he drives too fast, and I don't know what that stuff is he listens to, but it sure isn't music." I'll just say to them "I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. By the time he's my age, I don't think you'll need to worry about him anymore."

At my age, all my friends, doctors, and attorneys are dead. The good thing about this is that there's no one left who can refute my stories.

If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.