I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] It's a start... - Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

"It became a routine for Harold that whenever Ms. Yuka said: "May I have your attention."
Under his breath he would say:
"Get your own attention.