If you've dated a woman over five years and she wants a boob job…she ain't getting it for you. She is putting fresh meat on a new hook, that's all it… - Christopher Titus

Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

[talking about a Christmas fight in which he locked his girlfriend out of the house]
When all of the sudden there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter.
I went to the window and tore open the blinds,
And there was my girlfriend, quite out of her mind!
And I was just standing there, heart pounding with fear,
She's bangin' on the glass door with a vodka bottle…filled just 'bout to here.
And I knew the window couldn't take it.
She screamed, "Open the door, you bastard, or I'll fucking break it!"
Well, I couldn't let her do that; 'twas my father's place.
So I cracked the door, and she punched me in the face!
So I summoned my manhood from bottom to top,
And I screamed like a little girl…"I'M CALLING THE COPS!"