At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a dai… - Christopher Titus

I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.

I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.

My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box, a 12" black-and-white TV, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. And yet, I was the coolest kid in third grade. (imitating a kid): "Mom, can we have a sleepover in Christopher Titus' house? They have a raft in the living room! We can row to breakfast in the morning. I can actually be Captain Crunch!"